Dear Diary
by P.Crespi
Summary: Yang is forced to write a journal entry. One-shot


A/N Hello,

This is a super short one-shot. It also revolves around a suicide attempt, so if you think this might trigger something, I beg that you don't read it! Find another story, there are so many of them out there! If you are reading this and you think you need help, you can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline... 24/7. They can help!

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Dear diary,

Is this how people start their journal entries? This writing exercise is a first for me, although, it seems as if I have been burning through many firsts lately.

I must admit that I'm still quite hesitant to call you _dear_. My heart feels like it has been put through a meat grinder way too many times for me to trust anyone with it so soon. If for some reason, you, diary, betray or abandon me, it might be too much for this already destroyed heart to handle.

In any case…

I woke up here today. In all truthfulness, I didn't want to have woken up, but I did and it was here in a bedroom that doesn't belong to me. When dad wasn't anywhere to be found I had quickly figured out where I was taken to, and by what I've heard from the nurses, dad will be able to pick me up the day after tomorrow. Apparently, 72 is the magic amount of hours they must keep me under watch.

Ruby, my sister –who has always been much stronger than I will ever be – has no idea that this has happened. I don't blame her for running away. Unlike me, she has always known why she wanted to be a huntress, and like the legitimate huntress she is, fighting for freedom, against enemies of peace, is what she does best. I hope she finds happiness wherever she is.

Dear diary, you were given to me because apparently I need to write about the things I think and feel, even though I find putting all of these feelings into words quite difficult at the moment. Let's see here… How do I feel?

Angry

Frustrated

Ill-equipped

Lost

But most of all, unloved.

Diving into the cold waters of that river was much easier than waking up alone after the fight against that White Fang Faunus. I was always told to bend my knees when jumping from high cliffs, but really, once the freezing water hits you, I don't think it matters if your knees are broken or not. Catching my breath after I resurfaced was almost impossible. I know I could have ignited my semblance to keep myself alive, but at that moment, my anger was absolutely overshadowed by my sorrow and loneliness.

Losing the battle against the freezing river was easy. First, my chest constricted, then my limbs became completely unresponsive to my commands to the point there was nothing else to do but to sink. And when the cold water had completely filled my lungs, all I could think of was her: her smile, the dark hair, the alabaster skin, the honey-colored eyes. At that moment, as she looked at me from behind a dark-cover book, I would be lying if I said I didn't feel incredibly warm despite the hypothermia. I had finally let go.

Clearly, there was no way I was underwater for long, as I am, unfortunately, still breathing. I heard the nurses talk… Dad jumped in right after me. I feel bad for him: he first lost track of Ruby and then had to drag me out of that stupid river.

You might be asking yourself why I'd jump in. Perhaps you might be wondering if I did it because I was grieving the loss of a limb. Yes, the hand I'm using to write this entry was not always attached to my body. General Ironwood was nice enough to visit me a few days ago and bring along a replacement for my arm – just like his…

He also brought Penny with him in hopes it would cheer me up. I was indeed happy to see that he had backed up her hard-drive right before the fight against Pyrrha. Though, something in me makes me think Penny is aware of what transpired in that arena. I wish Pyrrha had had the same luck… Surprisingly enough Jaune took her death incredibly well. It makes me wonder if her love was unrequited. I am sure he will never say a word about his feelings to anyone.

On to explanations…

The reason why I jumped in was because I was tired of pitying myself. Not for the loss of the arm. The arm was just collateral. The arm was a fucking excuse –am I allowed to curse? I hope you understand. One way or another, the same way I had constructed Ember Celica, I'd construct a new extension of the gauntlets – more powerful than they've ever been, taking into consideration the technology I'm able to get my hands on. Ironwood's charity came too quickly…

I jumped in because of her. And God only knows how much I miss her. God only knows how much she changed me by the simple fact that she stood side-by-side with me.

Quietly, between unpretentious embraces, she was able to close the distance between my heart and hers. There was no need for words to be exchanged, no need for requests of any sort; just her smile, a deeper look, a simple nod, and I could never keep my eyes from her. I never wanted to stop looking at her.

When she left, the distance between us was virtually none. And she was the reason why a Yang, always independent, always on the go, didn't want to be alone anymore. For the first time, I wanted to stick around; I wanted to be with her. I wanted to live for her, and now that she's gone I've nothing to stand for, nothing to fight for, and absolutely nothing to keep my heart pumping blood into my veins. I've never thought I'd fall in love at all; let alone, so deeply, for someone so different than me. She was everything my heart was comprised of, and I cannot, to save my life, live with this constant emptiness.

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A/N: Thank you for stopping by! I'm always open to hear your feedback :)


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